Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

* on a date *

Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?

Me: I’m on a diet.

Date: So what will you order for dinner?

Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.

Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!

Me:

I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.

I’m not sad, I’m big moaned

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.

friend: I was named after my father

me: *aware of how time flows* correct

Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.

An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.

What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf

Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.

I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.

I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.

I’m seeing someone new, and we’re at the stage where it’s all sunshine and lollipops and he hasn’t seen me eat a quesadilla like a hungry dinosaur at 2am.

I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.

-me canceling my Dr appt

Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember

Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night

I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.

(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.

– Birds, probably

[zombie apocalypse]

SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it

ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead

“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’

My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.

professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-

me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it

professor: okay there is one stupid question

Smells like a challenge to me

If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat

Me: I try not to make snap judgments.

Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.

I think I accidentally became a nun:

✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits