Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.

I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”

Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.

My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.

#PlumbersDay

Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.

If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.

My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*

Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!

[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]

“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”

I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.

Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?

Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby

Her: New cat?

When the stylist spins you back around

Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!

Me in December: Son of a b****

This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.

“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

this got me crying😭😭

[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?

Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.

Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.

This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10

glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,

It will always be this

the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.

Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.

Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?

Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water

“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”

stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them

Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar