Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?

Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.

Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella

*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?

Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213

I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.

My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?

[on phone]

Of course I trust you, babe. Always.

*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*

When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”

I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock

It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly

I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.

Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.

kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am

What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?

I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day

If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.

Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”

Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder

Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*

Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*

Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.

If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.

I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.

All my scars & bruises tell a story.

The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.

Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.

friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear

[later]

tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!

me: holy shit it’s him

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*

‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”