Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die

Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t

*breaking up with BF

I’ll never forget you David.

‘My name is Jason’

Goodbye John.

Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.

Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good

– Jack and the beans talk

All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.

8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]

Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.

[many decades later]

Me: Oh no.

I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”

i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value

* has cake for breakfast

* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber

* blames running shoes

God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.

Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?

Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.

Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am

random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!

Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.

Cat Burglar (noun)

: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice

🐈‍⬛😂🖤

if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.

1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.

2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.

why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.

I think they could have phrased this better

My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.

It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”

just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf

Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.

Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…

My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no

Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…