Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.

Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks

Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean

IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE

Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do

Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.

If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?

To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.

You: Hold my beer.

Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*

lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake

What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret

For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk

on da cob, we all corn

Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered

Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.

prosecutor: why did you murder that man

me: i thought he was cake

prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?

me:

prosecutor:

me: i hoped he was cake

Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻‍♀️

My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.

12: This apple tastes funny.

Me: That’s because it’s a peach.

Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.

Can someone Venmo me $74,000?

I’ll take you camping.

I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.

I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.

what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?

On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?

I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.

oh you like road-trips? name every road then

I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.

my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.

If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.