Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
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Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
I used the label maker
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.