cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
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I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker