cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
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SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Just how popey was the pope today?
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
My humor is broken
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes