Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
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Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Thinking about a snail with a limp
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
Baked and Naked are pronounced differently despite being Americans very favorite things.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.