Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
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For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
He’s making his list…He’s checkin’ it twice.
He left it at home.
He’s texting his wife.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?
Sundae school.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”