Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?

Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please

A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire

~ the guy in front of me, apparently

I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.

My in-laws visited today.

FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.

My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?

I love my son.

I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”

Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?

Son: No.

Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.

Restaurant toilets are dangerous!

So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!

If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.

Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend

Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.

Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.

Apparently, this is how the world ends.

*offers Batman cough drops*

This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required

I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.

him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better

me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying

I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation

I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???

When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”

Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.

In that case, silence is very very suspicious!

If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party

“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”

An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.

Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.

Me: Are the bowling trophies included?

Realtor: Haha

Me: …

Realtor: …no, they aren’t

Me: I’m not interested then

I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.

If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.

My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”