Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.

After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.

My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.

god: make a giant mouse

angel: okay

god: with a baby carrier on it

angel: wh- why

god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff

angel: [nervously] what stuff

god: [hits joint] boxing

I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.

To let me know when I am wrong.

Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask

I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!

RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.

YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.

Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden

Antelope: o no

Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want

Antelope: omfg

When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?

“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”

ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows

Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah!

[Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on

I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.

don’t be scared

You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.

FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?

ME: No way

FRIEND: Why not?

ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me

Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.

Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.

Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’

Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’

Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’

[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*

Hey baby, what’s your name?

“Robert”

I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.

[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME

Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back

[on a 1st date]

Me: I’m just looking to take things slow

Her: *in a wedding dress* me too

ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled

Mosquito *bites a vampire*:

Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!

Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?

Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few

Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.

Teacher: Fill out the parent form.

Me: Why?

Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.

Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.