Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
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<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
it be like that
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno