Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress

Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done

[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close

I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.

GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things

why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford

Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*

YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING

I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW

My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.

Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.

~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic

getting old is fun

He was a koi.

She was a squirrel.

Can I make it any less obvious?

These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

First time drinking whiskey.

Barman: And this one is 15 years old.

Me: Do you have any fresh ones?

(At concert)

EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!

Me: Not a chance

WAVE YOUR ARMS!!

Me: Ridiculous

OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!

Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?

Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts

Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂

I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.

god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation

lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly

god: lol ok

There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.

I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.

“I’m gonna leave the study room for a couple hours.”
“So another patron can use it?”
“No, my stuff’s in there.”
“So you’re not using it.”
“I am using it. For my stuff.”
“The rooms are for people, not stuff.”
“My stuff is an extension of me.”
“I should have gone to law school.”

*survives trip to grocery store

*checks in as “safe” on Facebook

[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it

*Moses opens tablet*

You have TEN unread commandments.

[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”