[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
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Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.