Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat!

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted

I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys

I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.

Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something

The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.

Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”

Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?

Hey all,

I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.

From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.

Forgive me—I will do better next time.

~a dad, trying

people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.

Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.

Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute

Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds

This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021

Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?

Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.

me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape

kidnapper: 😳

At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.

FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.

Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.

Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.

DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich

ME: Damn I bet it’s so good

DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27

my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground

Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?

Pac-Man: *deep breath*

Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark