I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
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Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Mmmm canned fish.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe