Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*parachutes into your family BBQ*

I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…

Uncharted Territory… underneath the refrigerator

I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.

One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.

Or I need new glasses. Again.

if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns

[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE

What flavor cupcake are these

Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours

cats:

Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?

After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.

The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”

If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.

Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?

I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.

I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.

i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽

and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭

I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.

“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”

I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.

My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.

When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.

Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling

Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.

Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”

Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.

“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”

If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?

I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often

I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.

People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”

6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.

Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired