Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool

Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court

Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes

Liquor Store Parking

We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.

keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.

When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.

Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.

My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.

And then hit her head.

“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”

I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.

Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest

There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.

My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.

wife: did you vacuum under the couch

me: yep I did the whole basement

[a person with cold hands]

DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE

[a dog with cold paws]

POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT

When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.

always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?

asking santa clause for nudes

Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes

I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.

Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]

wife: what’s he doing

me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family

her: what is it

me: i… just… told you?

Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.

(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)

All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?

dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough

This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore