Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
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I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Me when I’m ovulating
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”