Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
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what
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Still my favourite meme.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed