Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺

Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.

My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me

A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.

The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey

sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior

My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol

My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.

Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist

My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.

imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner

[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is

I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale

This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.

My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?

I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.

A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?

Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.

If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.

(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law

$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?

Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶

do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice

I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.

An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey

By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.

the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab

Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.