Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
You Might Also Like
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
You an Obituary liar.
That means you DEAD@$$ lying
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
A male goth is called a broth.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man