Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
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Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
i wonder why they stopped looking
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers