Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.

I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are

[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job

her: did you know Weezer covered Africa

me: [impressed] with what

I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.

I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.

I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.

you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea

the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet

Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”

I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.

*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*

Sara?

*Gets down on one knee*

*audible gasp*

“Yes?”

Help my knee is made of magnets

my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away

Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.

I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.

i hope this email finds you fast and furious

My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.

Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%

it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too

[interview at Bass Pro Shops]

So, tell me a little about yourself.

Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!

If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.

fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake

me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?

fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?

Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up

6-year-old: You lose.

Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.

6: That was your first mistake.

Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.

When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:

1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius

My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”

Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.

Simple

[first date]

Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?

The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members