Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry

[shopping for school supplies with kids]

7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?

*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*

~Christmas shopping for my wife

Can I get a piña colada please.

‘This is Starbucks’

Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.

i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time

JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-

ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor

LAWYERS: …….

JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you

Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates

Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.

wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?

me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah

Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.

I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…

Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”

How my wife saves money:

Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.

Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?

*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*

Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.

Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.

Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.

To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.

[Me in a horror movie]

*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*

Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.

Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.

excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces

I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.

My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.

She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂

My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”

French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.

In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???

I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.

And I think I’m winning.

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.

I bought some coconut shampoo today.

I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”

push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit