Teaching my 9yo to sew. She’s going to make a great wife to someone in 1836.
Cop: You doin drugs?
Cop: Whatya smokin?
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
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Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
“Bartender, see that brunette at the end of the bar? I’d like you to bring her a slice of your finest ham.”
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…