Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
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I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.