@rockymomax

Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”

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@8rustystaples

This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.

@mortimermaiden

Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher

@flashember

[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir

BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD

@jake_lach

Real men don’t run from problems, they fix them. Unless it’s really scary

@JohnLyonTweets

Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.

@omgthatspunny

Can’t wait to get my first kiss this Christmas under the missile toe 😘😂

@TheAlexNevil

Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.

@Home_Halfway

ROOMMATE: Hank is coming by later
ME: Cannibal Hank or Pastry-Loving Hank?
[From outside] HEY ANYBODY WANNA EAT A DANISH
ROOMMATE: Yeah I don’t know man

@TheBoydP

Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.