Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
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I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket
me: can you just let me go with a warning this time
Guys, I found it.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.
This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.