Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
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Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
😭😭😭
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Friend: Wanna go out tonight?
Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
#growingpains
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem