Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
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Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
incredible
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”