Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.

[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better

I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave

The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade

If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.

Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t

So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know

Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr

Me *enters new password*

Computer: ok

Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?

Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well

Me *crying* that’s not true

Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.

Banks, what is your problem?

Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.

Realtor: this house is cursed

Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no

Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE

Me: oh ok

Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices

Me: Oh No

Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”

While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”

“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”

* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox

A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”

4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?

Me: You were born 3 years later.

4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”

Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.

There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.

Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.

Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”

“I took care of your clown problem.”

“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over

Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life

Dog: that is correct

“Your cute”
“My cute what?”