Cop: you have an outstanding warrant

Me: why thank you

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Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs


I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.


I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.


I’m pretty sure that the guy who wrote about the Apocalypse was a meteorologist.


*On my Deathbed*

Me: Tell Tac.. *cough*

Wife: What sweetie? Tell who what?!

Me: Tell Taco Bell their cheese to lettuce ratio is way off..


Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]

Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body


Somebody called me ‘pretentious’ the other day.nnI nearly choked on my decaf double choc mocha latte.


Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.


[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service