@DaddyJew

Cop: you have an outstanding warrant

Me: why thank you

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@donsengstack

Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs

@mompsychologist

I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.

@robin_991

I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.

@Sarcasticsapien

I’m pretty sure that the guy who wrote about the Apocalypse was a meteorologist.

@ComedicBust

*On my Deathbed*

Me: Tell Tac.. *cough*

Wife: What sweetie? Tell who what?!

Me: Tell Taco Bell their cheese to lettuce ratio is way off..

@EndhooS

Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]

Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body

@daplusk

Somebody called me ‘pretentious’ the other day.nnI nearly choked on my decaf double choc mocha latte.

@dance_blessed

Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.

@KyleMcDowell86

[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service