Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
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brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
What flavor cupcake are these
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*