Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
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Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it