Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
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maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”