Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.

I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window

sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested

Doctor: I have some bad news

Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?

Doctor: I’m afraid she passed

Me: oh no

Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it

My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart

When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.

Me: I’m Absolutely broke

State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!

#wtfuture

Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:

Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.

Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.

Social media for large reptiles: Instagator

It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.

me: [flips over]

my bed: ah the cool side of the person

Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?

Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.

Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.

diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan

Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.

Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?

It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.

How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons

How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?

Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.

My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”

Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

Me, losing my shit:

Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!

Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.

You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.

I’m pretty like a car crash.

So much to do right now

*cracks open beer*

So much to do tomorrow