Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
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called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.