cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
You Might Also Like
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
#parenting
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.