Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.

My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.

7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.

Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.

*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*

Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.

Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!

*general murder sounds*

Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.

[30 years into the future]

me: you know netflix used to send films by post

my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge

me: productivity

With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

“It got weird, didn’t it? ”

*Leaves on a pogo stick.*

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano

FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar

people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.

The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.

UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay

APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane

bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong

My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.

Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.

When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.

I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.

Guys.

When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.

Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.

Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something

“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985

German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.

Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”