Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.

remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco

1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later

2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants

I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.

Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.

My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.

{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving

How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.

My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”

Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.

[Tracking an animal]

Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.

[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders

Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.

Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂

obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two

(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)

Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?

Me: uh… someone from Virginia

My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.

The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

Feels

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”

If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.

TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately

the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip

i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?

Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one

i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t

don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good