Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
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The pointless tidy up before a play date.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said ‘It’s going to rain.’
His wife asked, ‘How do you know?’
He replied, ‘Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear
Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.
This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.
How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?