Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
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autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.