Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.

we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity

Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn

Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…

Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.

dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson

Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…

[Watching an educational show]

[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]

Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.

[5 minutes later]

3: Why doesn’t he hop?

Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ

Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance

me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.

judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.

me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.

Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.

i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread

I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out

a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?

no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS

Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?

pilot: we’re about to crash

passengers: OMG

pilot: this wedding

passengers: phew

pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church

knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party

My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus

TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*

I love it

college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”

You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.

To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.

These aren’t even hard anymore.

Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?

Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho

*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.