Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
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Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eelsI didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
my first dose meeting my second
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever