cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
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SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.
I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
There are usually two types of merchants.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
mary: you booked a room right
joseph (playing on wooden xbox): yeah totally
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.