cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
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Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
How dude HOW?!
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*