Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
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Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
lmao
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat