Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
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why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?