Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
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Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Canadian owl: Eh?
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too