Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
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Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.