Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”

Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?

Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.

Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?

Me: just my cat

*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*

Mom: why are you using drugs???

Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.

But I don’t like to point fingers.

Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.

I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?

I never met a cheese I didn’t like.

Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.

“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”

I will never lie to my future children.

… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?

I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.

For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”

My love language is deader than Latin

her: what’s your last name?

me: it’s French

her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?

me: no my last name is literally just French.

her: oh how fun, do you speak French?

me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?

Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.

I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.

Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?

I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am

ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing

I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.

If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.

– inventor of steel

Ladies,

Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.

Men

Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.

How can you call yourself a pervert?

I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.

airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover

Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?

Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?

Henopause

Annnd, send tweet.

Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees

*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…

Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins

*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!