Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.

My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.

*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*

How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.

Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.

I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket

Caveman 1: Tell me a story.

Caveman 2: Once upon a time….

Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!

Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.

Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.

day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt

day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt

Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.

Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.

I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.

boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift

Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.

Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.

Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…

Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.

Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.

At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!

Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.

Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep

So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?

[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK

Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.

Husband: I’m sitting right here.

If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.

Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.

My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.

[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]

OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!

Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.

the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example