COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
You Might Also Like
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.