Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out

Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”

I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat

game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]

My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.

My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.

[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]

Green leader: Area secured. Over

Me: Apple Turn. Over

GL: Wha

Me: Extreme make. Over

GL: Take that guy out too

My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.

After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”

It was nice knowing you all.

If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.

He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.

I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.

KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.

*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs

Me: What did you do at school today?

My kid: Nothing.

School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*

If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”

Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne

I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.

Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”

Actually I just wanna check the court websites

the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope

The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes

20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles

Me: hey!

20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old

Me: I’m Gen-X

Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now

Me: No, it means I…

Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest

[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.