cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.
-my mirror
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
