cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Never mess with a sculptor, they have a ready made place to hide your body
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
