cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
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It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Me, in DM rooms…
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was