cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please

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Me: please i just want to be a small goat on the side of a mountain


Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive

Me: can I just text them


My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.


I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.


Me: You’re so selfish!

Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.

Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..


my roommate broke up with his girlfriend last night at a fancy restaurant and she started bawling…. everyone thought he proposed to her and started clapping.


I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.


[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]


I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.


Kegels: because how else are you supposed to grind fresh coffee beans during a power outage?