@BraandoCommando

cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please

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@iamspacegirl

College Advisor: Well, there are a number of career options available in all of your potential majors, you just have to choose someth-

Me: please i just want to be a small goat on the side of a mountain

@AbbieEvansXO

Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive

Me: can I just text them

@TheSharona06

My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.

@suziqkelley

I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.

@djdarrellripley

Me: You’re so selfish!

Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.

Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..

@peytnhaag

my roommate broke up with his girlfriend last night at a fancy restaurant and she started bawling…. everyone thought he proposed to her and started clapping.

@DurtMcHurtt

I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.

@T_N_Crumpets

[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!

@ficklenuts

I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.

@funnybeachgirl

Kegels: because how else are you supposed to grind fresh coffee beans during a power outage?