Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁

no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance

doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how it’s spelled

My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.

Me: What. Like a cat?

My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.

My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.

[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.

A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.

*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.

When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow

Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.

Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop

[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face

[inventor of the snooze button]

ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless

Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.

FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME

A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.

My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.

As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times

Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?

CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?

ME: I am not.

Me: i want a ferraro

Friend: ferrari?

Me: no just one

Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people

Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy

Doctor: Which Guy?

People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.

there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind

Harsh but fair