Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.

Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.

watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them

Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.

Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting

Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful

My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.

[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.

The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job

old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia

If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.

losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild

real

classic mixup

[weapons store]

ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?

Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.

Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?

“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people

one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere

Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.

For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me

[shopping for school supplies with kids]

7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?

Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.

My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral

Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!

*sniff* Don’t try to console me

“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”

– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients

ME: Hey they’re playing our song.

HER: This isn’t our song.

ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.