Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
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If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.