Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit

Me: Are you sure about that?

*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*

Cop: Have a nice day, sir.

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Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.


Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–


Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”


me: wanna hang out?

southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah



They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.


The best people always leave this Earth too soon…so I’m pretty sure I’m destined for immortality.


waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that

me: yes


here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome