Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*

Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?

When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again

Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”

[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”

True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.

Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?

7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.

i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes

saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her

Kids today have it easy!

In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.

Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.

Me:He was much better at fighting than me.

Police:Ok is there anything else?

Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option

I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”

Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late

Bananas

You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?

Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask

[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.

This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.

I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.

Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.

Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.

Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating

I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”

Moments like these are when I ask for money.

When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.

I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.

[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team

My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.

In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”

I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”

19 y.o.: “What?”

Me: “I didn’t say anything.”

The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.

Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.

Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?

Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.