Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
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dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
This is so wrong 😂
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.