Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.

My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.

My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork

I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.

[Sperm Bank]

DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy

Tv: He is in cardiac arrest

My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart

Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy

person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!

me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen

*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*

When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.

Just trust me on this one.

Signed,

Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.

Executioner: any last words

Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what

Executioner: what?

Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.

After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers

Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*

I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.

This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.

Music can take you places instantly.

Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…

It instantly takes me to another station.

[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!

Me: what’s wrong?

Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child

Me: everyone does secretly

Wife: well it should at least be one of ours

I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”

Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.

“Will you stop CHOKING?”

First Aid in my house, apparently.

4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble

stephen king’s mind:

what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?

No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?

Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along

Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.

Quiz host: Your topic is music

Me: Yes!!

Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?

Me: You’ve got to be kidding me