Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!

(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)

Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING

I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.

Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.

I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.

All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend

My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

Apparently, this is how the world ends.

I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.

It’s 9:00 p.m. And an ice cream truck just blew past my house . Doesn’t he know I can’t run that fast

“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”

local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application

I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.

Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day

Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am

My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.

cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself

I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.

[inventing vampire weaknesses]

writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night

writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?

writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!

writer 2: we’re crushing this

[5 hours later]

writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside

writer 2: garlic

For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.

The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it

Eating wings is the opposite of flying

Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock

Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.

They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.

What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?

First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*

So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe

@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3

[2 Years into Cosmetology School]

Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?

[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]

“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”

Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”