Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*

Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid

[interview for waiter position]

Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”

Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”

Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss

Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party

A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt

[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”

When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.

If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?

Yoga pants.

One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…

I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:

– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from

friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?

wife: we think it’s-

me: snakes. we think it’s snakes

MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm

It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.

When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,

having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.

Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.

3-year-old: I want more milk.

Me: What’s the magic word?

3: *enraged falcon screech*

Close enough.

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY

Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.

Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.

A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.

Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.

I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits

I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.

Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.

Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.

16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.

The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?

Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.

Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.