cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
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I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
what does he know…
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow
Potatoes were such a good idea
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter