cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
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The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
