Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.

I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.

Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.

[first date]

Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*

Me: *gets up and leaves*

(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.

Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.

Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?

Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.

Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.

[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??

As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

HER: Wow you look great.

ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.

Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?

Me: no idea.

Daughter: a Dinosnore : )

Me: [sniff].

Daughter: are you crying?

Me: I’m just so proud of you.

Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.

It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.

People: cheer up, things could be worse

Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how

i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.

ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.

“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats

Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.

Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.

Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.

next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…

cup your hands together until the water overflows.

then look at them and say:

This water is getting out of hand

9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.

It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt

This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.

the prophecy has been fulfilled

Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.

– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies

retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?

7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”

Me: “Sleep.”

7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”

Exactly.