cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
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Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.