cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
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Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
I have many caverns
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
*praying for world peace*
God:
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
subtitles are so good nowadays
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.
🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired