cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
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me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
i prefer mine room temperature.
Hero horse inspires millions
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.